[Meditating is one word for it. It's unfortunate that her time spent in proximity to the ocean has lessened some of it's calming effects; it's not enough to just sit on the beach and listen for the waves anymore. But she still tries, more to stretch and because she knows she isn't usually bothered when she's like this. It's a convenient way to be alone if she needs it.
And yet, Yasha is far from an unwelcome distraction, despite the emotions churning in her gut about the other woman.
Beau exhales like she was actually doing some fancy meditation stuff, and opens an eye to look at Yasha.]
'Mm just wasting time.
[She arches her eyebrow, as if encouraging the oncoming conversation.]
(Well... it's not strictly a 'yes', is it. Beau isn't usually vague with Yasha, so for a moment she simply sits there and looks at her hands, unsure if she's supposed to interpret this as 'it's a bad time' or 'sure, we can talk'. Hmm.
She solves the problem by letting the silence extend between them for a solid thirty seconds before she says anything else.)
Are you okay?
(There's nothing to pick at, no grass to shred blade by blade between her fingernails. She lifts her gaze from her hands, and out toward the ocean. When she speaks again, her voice is halting, uncertain.)
[It's as close to a yes as Beau is giving. She's always been kind of shitty about giving actual answers, and she can already tell that's pretty much all of what this conversation is going to be. But she's... trying. Sure. Trying.
Beau opens her other eye, drifting her gaze a little lower, not quite staring her down.]
It's not-- at you. It wasn't your fault, so.
[But when Beau thought it was, damn, it hurt. That sort of thing just doesn't become okay when you've been hinging on getting some questions answered, and in a moment they all became the wrong ones to ask. It's been eating at her, but people notice when things are a problem now. Beau's not sure she's entirely used to it yet.]
You just-- dropped off at about the same time as Fjord and Jess. Was kinda hard to deal with.
(Yasha bites back her first response-- that she couldn't help disappearing when she did, she had no decision in the matter. Beau knows that. Yasha's asking her to talk about it and she's doing that.)
Yeah, (she says instead. If it were her, and Fjord and Jester disappeared and then Beau followed suit? It wouldn't be easy. It would be her and Mollymauk left, and she'd be concerned about him leaving too.
She glances across at Beau, then down, following her gaze.)
... I'm sorry. (Not for leaving, that's not what she means. She shakes her head a little, and clears her throat. Her voice is soft.) That it all happened at once, you know.
(This kind of emotional vulnerability clearly takes a bit of easing into. Yasha sighs, and scrubs her hand through the back of her hair while Beau talks.)
Yeah.
I've been noticing that about you. You don't like it when I leave. (Molly is used to it. He calls it 'Yasha-ing', and he welcomes her back kindly when she reappears, but... well, he's never told her he doesn't like it. Beau hasn't either, but Yasha isn't stupid.)
If... if you want, (she offers, glancing back, catching Beau's gaze and holding it for a beat while she thinks.) Um... I could tell you, when I'm planning to leave. So that it isn't a surprise for you.
[Noticing that, she says. About you, she says. Beau's heart leaps in her chest, because since when is she a person worth noticing, but it all slots back into place again quickly. They've been here... a long time. Longer than Beau has ever known how to handle being in one place, but it's somehow not been bad to find the predictability of waking up with Yasha in the same house, with Molly's laughter ringing out from the kitchen when she steps in from morning training to see him telling some kind of joke. The rest of the Nein were well on their way to becoming this close, but they're...
It's something else, now. And the panic over losing Yasha, the fear of suddenly seeing herself as dispensable enough for the other woman to lose, struck something she doesn't like to acknowledge.
The beat their eyes meet feels like a century, and Beau almost can't recover in time. Almost. She's always been good at getting back up, no matter the circumstance.]
You noticed? I mean, it. I guess I didn't expect you to be paying attention about stuff like that. If it's what you need to do, you should, uh, do it.
[No, no, Yasha is asking for something here-- trying to help. Beau takes a steadying breath, and continues.]
It'd be cool to know, though. Just since people disappear into nowhere here. Just knowing you should still be... around, somewhere, and not totally gone.
(Beau's immediate response is a little disappointing, and Yasha's shoulders slacken, and she looks away. That wasn't what she meant. Leaving is something that she needs to do every so often and she is going to do it, that is always how it's going to be, but– she's offering an olive branch here, placing it down carefully, edging it between the two of them. Beau is brushing it aside.
She doesn't have to stew in that for long, though. After a beat, Beau continues, and Yasha looks back at her. Does she look as surprised as she feels? She isn't surprised that Beau conceded to her idea, she's more taken aback by how it makes her feel. Warm inside. Happy. She smiles, a little twitch of her lips.)
Okay.
(It seems like a step forward, and Yasha really likes the thought of Beau not having to worry about her when she goes. She relaxes again, her gaze softening.) It's a deal, then. (And she holds out her pinky finger to her.)
[She smiles, and Beau can feel her heart lift, a lightness she hasn't been able to find in herself over the worry of Yasha's disappearance. She's here and with Beau and she's happy, and something about considering that is making her pulse race. But without even thinking, she reaches out and just... puts a hand over Yasha's pinky.
And then stops, sees what she did, and removes it.]
Uh, it's-- just the finger, right.
[Here ok pinkys locked she Has This, Everyone,,,,]
... Sorry if I made you think I was mad at you. I just... felt like I was gonna lose everyone. Or maybe lose me.
(But Beau throwing her entire hand in still made Yasha laugh, and that loosens the tension a little. Gesture corrected, she shakes Beau's pinky finger in all seriousness, though her mouth still twitches a little at the corners, threatening another smile.)
It's okay. (She gets it. Honestly, it reminds her of the time that she woke up on the ship and everybody was gone. Yasha had thought they'd left her then, and it makes sense as to why Beau's thoughts leapt to a similar conclusion. Perhaps reassurance would help.)
[It certainly does, even if it feels weird to her to ask for it. She shouldn't need something like this, and yet.... it feels so good to have when she can force herself to take it. Even her mouth looks like it's about to become a grin, against her better judgement.]
Yeah. I... I believe you. Just not used to having people who... stay, I guess.
[Beau sighs, looking off a bit to the side, but keeps their fingers interlocked.]
Kinda thought I was over it. Like it wasn't gonna be a big deal anymore, but... guess it still feels just as shitty.
('I believe you.' That's all that Yasha needs to feel better about the whole situation, and the strain on her feelings eases off enough to make her sigh in a big, loud rush. She isn't mad. She didn't realise wondering whether or not Beau was angry with her would make her feel so tense.
Beau lowers their hands to the sand, their pinkies still twined. Yasha doesn't pull away.)
I understand. (It's hard to let go of fear easily. Sometimes it lingers, even when you've stopped entertaining it. Yasha glances down at their hands, and rubs the pad of her thumb gently against the palm of Beau's hand while she thinks of what to say.
What would Molly do? He's good at talking to people about their problems. Or Jester, or Caduceus; what did they do for her, to help?) Do... you want to talk about it?
[She isn't sure what she's expecting out of all this. Beau's modius operandi has always been to keep her head down, not draw attention to her own problems, and say only as much as she absolutely needs to. But it's been so long here. It's been a while living and traveling and trying not to die with these two, and something has to have changed. Of course, it's easier to just say it's fine as opposed to feeling it, or knowing what security even feels like. Does she know how to talk about it? Does it even feel like a reprieve?
Beau shakes her head with the smallest shrug.]
Not really. It's just shit that happened, right? It's over.
[What would it even do for her to speak it now? Might as well just let it die.]
(She's watching Beau go through the motions of what she's feeling. Realising it, considering it, discarding it. Yasha wishes she could some how know what she's thinking about in plain terms, if only so she could know what to say without sounding stupid. If she can help with this, she'd like to.)
When... something has already happened, that doesn't mean that it's over. In your head, I mean. It stays in there, sometimes for a long time. Rattles about, you know. (She shakes her head loosely, as if imitating a bobble-headed toy, and then immediately seems to regret doing that because she stops immediately and sighs.)
What I'm trying to say is that it helps to talk about it. You don't have to if you really don't want to, but it does help. And I want to listen.
[She rubs her tongue along the back side of her teeth, feeling each ridge as it moves to ground herself. This is the problem with talking, people think they know her, like she can just say this shit and it's okay. Dumb of her to have spoken at all, and she shrinks back into her shoulders a bit, like her chest is caving in.]
This is just-- shouldn't have said anything in the first place. Nobody ever really asks.
[People can be curious, but they so rarely ask the exact right questions to get real answers. And now she's gone and betrayed herself by giving out too much for free.
Beau just shakes her head, unsure of how to even progress from here on her own merit.]
Look, people just don't... stick. This is the longest I've known pretty much anyone. It'd just be typical if you left.
(Yasha isn't sure what exactly what she was expecting to come from putting herself out there, but it wasn't for Beau to shrink away from it entirely. Maybe she was expecting to be met half-way, or for Beau to at least consider what she had said before dismissing it out of hand, but–)
Okay, (she says, embarrassed, silently stung. Unsure of what to say in response. She gently disentangles their hands, and takes her back.) It's– it doesn't matter.
Just so long as you know I'm staying here. Until we find a way off the island, I mean. Um... that's all.
[She nods, a bit numb, a little out of it all. This isn't working. Something about this is just off when the tables are turned on her, and as much as she's trying to put up her walls, it's just... not working.
Maybe she doesn't want it to, is the thing. But knowing herself, having that kind of foresight? Well, it's just hard to have. Harder to share.
Beau shakes her head in the silence, as if trying to clear something out of her head.]
Yeah, I-- yeah. Look, I get it, I mean I hear you and I know. It's just... being afraid of it, that makes it hard to remember. Thinking everything's just gonna happen again. No matter what I do, there's always gonna be someone bigger smacking me down and taking everything away.
(Yasha nods mutely, because she does understand that feeling. The closer she gets to other people, letting them in bit by bit, the harder it is to ignore the somber line-up of ghosts out of the corner of her eye: Zuala, Mollymauk, one behind the other. Who will be next? Sometimes she pays that thought too much attention, and becomes lost in it.
Anyway. Now certainly isn't the time.)
Well, (she says eventually, thinking carefully of what she wants to say before she says it,) I... think that what you need to remember is that you're not alone this time. If someone bigger comes to smack you down the rest of us will smack them right back, and we'll kill them. For you. Because you... belong with us. And we won't let anybody take things from you again.
[It's always this that's complicated for her, the understanding that her problems deserve any merit. Yasha has to live with deaths on her hands, and all Beau has to live with is disappointment. Her parents are still alive. Contacts she's missed might be out, but she never had friends before the Nein. It's just Mollymauk on her list-- even though that still feels incredibly personal, a wound that never healed right with the man continuing to be by her side.
But Beau listens. Tries to take it in with her face blank, her expression unreadable. But eventually, she nods, at least promising she heard the words Yasha spoke.]
Yeah. I mean, it's... it's fucked up. It's just fucked up. The only thing I have to lose is like... me, I guess. You guys are the ones who have dead people around. I just have issues with my dad.
Issues are issues, (Yasha says, after chewing on the words for a moment,) you're right that they're different, but they still hurt.
(And this hurts Beau, so it's important, and Yasha wants to try to understand it. Perhaps they're not there yet, but Beau hasn't told her to leave or anything, so... she must be getting somewhere, even if only one small step at a time.)
[Why can't she just believe what Yasha says here? Why can't she find any value in her own damn self? And why, despite all of this, is she just happy that Yasha is still here with her?]
'Mm glad you're here. Just, in-- in general. I'm glad you keep coming back.
[Beau isn't the kind of person to cry-- at least, she tries not to be. But she makes sure they're linked here, scooting forward and finally just lying her forhead on Yasha's shoulder.]
Can we just sit here for a bit? I'm so fuckin' tired.
(That's good, that Beau feels that way. It's good how her saying that makes Yasha feel too, if she's allowed to be selfish for a moment and enjoy a small part of this conversation. Especially when Beau scoots closer, and drops her forehead onto her shoulder, solid and warm. Yasha's breath catches.)
... Of course.
(She goes through the motion of raising an arm twice before she finally commits to it, resting her palm lightly against Beau's back and rubbing slowly, in a little circle. She'll sit here forever if it means that Beau will find a tiny bit of peace through the places they're both touching.)
I COULD SAY THAT FOR YOU TOO ok wrapped now ikfdhlugsdi
[If Beau opens her eyes, really takes the time to think about the feelings she's having right now, she'd probably barf up her own heart in t minus no seconds. Therefore, she's decided to simply Not Do This, by keeping her eyes closed, face pressed into Yasha's shoulder and just thinking about breathing in and out. Emotions? Don't know her.
Beau just responds with a grunt, and then decides to stop dealing with any of it, letting herself rest and be quiet. That, in itself, is enough.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
claps like a goblin
And yet, Yasha is far from an unwelcome distraction, despite the emotions churning in her gut about the other woman.
Beau exhales like she was actually doing some fancy meditation stuff, and opens an eye to look at Yasha.]
'Mm just wasting time.
[She arches her eyebrow, as if encouraging the oncoming conversation.]
no subject
She solves the problem by letting the silence extend between them for a solid thirty seconds before she says anything else.)
Are you okay?
(There's nothing to pick at, no grass to shred blade by blade between her fingernails. She lifts her gaze from her hands, and out toward the ocean. When she speaks again, her voice is halting, uncertain.)
You seem... angry. With me. Or upset.
no subject
Beau opens her other eye, drifting her gaze a little lower, not quite staring her down.]
It's not-- at you. It wasn't your fault, so.
[But when Beau thought it was, damn, it hurt. That sort of thing just doesn't become okay when you've been hinging on getting some questions answered, and in a moment they all became the wrong ones to ask. It's been eating at her, but people notice when things are a problem now. Beau's not sure she's entirely used to it yet.]
You just-- dropped off at about the same time as Fjord and Jess. Was kinda hard to deal with.
no subject
Yeah, (she says instead. If it were her, and Fjord and Jester disappeared and then Beau followed suit? It wouldn't be easy. It would be her and Mollymauk left, and she'd be concerned about him leaving too.
She glances across at Beau, then down, following her gaze.)
... I'm sorry. (Not for leaving, that's not what she means. She shakes her head a little, and clears her throat. Her voice is soft.) That it all happened at once, you know.
no subject
You didn't pick it. Even if I thought you might have.
[They're thinking the same thing, in the end, hung on the same worry they won't speak. Beau crosses her arms, daring a glance Yasha's way.]
It's just a lot of bullshit. To have been around everybody and suddenly just have it be me n' Molly.
no subject
Yeah.
I've been noticing that about you. You don't like it when I leave. (Molly is used to it. He calls it 'Yasha-ing', and he welcomes her back kindly when she reappears, but... well, he's never told her he doesn't like it. Beau hasn't either, but Yasha isn't stupid.)
If... if you want, (she offers, glancing back, catching Beau's gaze and holding it for a beat while she thinks.) Um... I could tell you, when I'm planning to leave. So that it isn't a surprise for you.
no subject
It's something else, now. And the panic over losing Yasha, the fear of suddenly seeing herself as dispensable enough for the other woman to lose, struck something she doesn't like to acknowledge.
The beat their eyes meet feels like a century, and Beau almost can't recover in time. Almost. She's always been good at getting back up, no matter the circumstance.]
You noticed? I mean, it. I guess I didn't expect you to be paying attention about stuff like that. If it's what you need to do, you should, uh, do it.
[No, no, Yasha is asking for something here-- trying to help. Beau takes a steadying breath, and continues.]
It'd be cool to know, though. Just since people disappear into nowhere here. Just knowing you should still be... around, somewhere, and not totally gone.
no subject
She doesn't have to stew in that for long, though. After a beat, Beau continues, and Yasha looks back at her. Does she look as surprised as she feels? She isn't surprised that Beau conceded to her idea, she's more taken aback by how it makes her feel. Warm inside. Happy. She smiles, a little twitch of her lips.)
Okay.
(It seems like a step forward, and Yasha really likes the thought of Beau not having to worry about her when she goes. She relaxes again, her gaze softening.) It's a deal, then. (And she holds out her pinky finger to her.)
no subject
And then stops, sees what she did, and removes it.]
Uh, it's-- just the finger, right.
[Here ok pinkys locked she Has This, Everyone,,,,]
... Sorry if I made you think I was mad at you. I just... felt like I was gonna lose everyone. Or maybe lose me.
no subject
(But Beau throwing her entire hand in still made Yasha laugh, and that loosens the tension a little. Gesture corrected, she shakes Beau's pinky finger in all seriousness, though her mouth still twitches a little at the corners, threatening another smile.)
It's okay. (She gets it. Honestly, it reminds her of the time that she woke up on the ship and everybody was gone. Yasha had thought they'd left her then, and it makes sense as to why Beau's thoughts leapt to a similar conclusion. Perhaps reassurance would help.)
I'm not going to leave you. Not on purpose.
no subject
Yeah. I... I believe you. Just not used to having people who... stay, I guess.
[Beau sighs, looking off a bit to the side, but keeps their fingers interlocked.]
Kinda thought I was over it. Like it wasn't gonna be a big deal anymore, but... guess it still feels just as shitty.
no subject
('I believe you.' That's all that Yasha needs to feel better about the whole situation, and the strain on her feelings eases off enough to make her sigh in a big, loud rush. She isn't mad. She didn't realise wondering whether or not Beau was angry with her would make her feel so tense.
Beau lowers their hands to the sand, their pinkies still twined. Yasha doesn't pull away.)
I understand. (It's hard to let go of fear easily. Sometimes it lingers, even when you've stopped entertaining it. Yasha glances down at their hands, and rubs the pad of her thumb gently against the palm of Beau's hand while she thinks of what to say.
What would Molly do? He's good at talking to people about their problems. Or Jester, or Caduceus; what did they do for her, to help?) Do... you want to talk about it?
no subject
Beau shakes her head with the smallest shrug.]
Not really. It's just shit that happened, right? It's over.
[What would it even do for her to speak it now? Might as well just let it die.]
You already did something for me. It's fine.
no subject
(She's watching Beau go through the motions of what she's feeling. Realising it, considering it, discarding it. Yasha wishes she could some how know what she's thinking about in plain terms, if only so she could know what to say without sounding stupid. If she can help with this, she'd like to.)
When... something has already happened, that doesn't mean that it's over. In your head, I mean. It stays in there, sometimes for a long time. Rattles about, you know. (She shakes her head loosely, as if imitating a bobble-headed toy, and then immediately seems to regret doing that because she stops immediately and sighs.)
What I'm trying to say is that it helps to talk about it. You don't have to if you really don't want to, but it does help. And I want to listen.
no subject
This is just-- shouldn't have said anything in the first place. Nobody ever really asks.
[People can be curious, but they so rarely ask the exact right questions to get real answers. And now she's gone and betrayed herself by giving out too much for free.
Beau just shakes her head, unsure of how to even progress from here on her own merit.]
Look, people just don't... stick. This is the longest I've known pretty much anyone. It'd just be typical if you left.
no subject
Okay, (she says, embarrassed, silently stung. Unsure of what to say in response. She gently disentangles their hands, and takes her back.) It's– it doesn't matter.
Just so long as you know I'm staying here. Until we find a way off the island, I mean. Um... that's all.
no subject
Maybe she doesn't want it to, is the thing. But knowing herself, having that kind of foresight? Well, it's just hard to have. Harder to share.
Beau shakes her head in the silence, as if trying to clear something out of her head.]
Yeah, I-- yeah. Look, I get it, I mean I hear you and I know. It's just... being afraid of it, that makes it hard to remember. Thinking everything's just gonna happen again. No matter what I do, there's always gonna be someone bigger smacking me down and taking everything away.
no subject
Anyway. Now certainly isn't the time.)
Well, (she says eventually, thinking carefully of what she wants to say before she says it,) I... think that what you need to remember is that you're not alone this time. If someone bigger comes to smack you down the rest of us will smack them right back, and we'll kill them. For you. Because you... belong with us. And we won't let anybody take things from you again.
no subject
But Beau listens. Tries to take it in with her face blank, her expression unreadable. But eventually, she nods, at least promising she heard the words Yasha spoke.]
Yeah. I mean, it's... it's fucked up. It's just fucked up. The only thing I have to lose is like... me, I guess. You guys are the ones who have dead people around. I just have issues with my dad.
no subject
(And this hurts Beau, so it's important, and Yasha wants to try to understand it. Perhaps they're not there yet, but Beau hasn't told her to leave or anything, so... she must be getting somewhere, even if only one small step at a time.)
You feel what you feel. You know?
wrap this one?
Yeah.
[Why can't she just believe what Yasha says here? Why can't she find any value in her own damn self? And why, despite all of this, is she just happy that Yasha is still here with her?]
'Mm glad you're here. Just, in-- in general. I'm glad you keep coming back.
[Beau isn't the kind of person to cry-- at least, she tries not to be. But she makes sure they're linked here, scooting forward and finally just lying her forhead on Yasha's shoulder.]
Can we just sit here for a bit? I'm so fuckin' tired.
yes also nice icon lezzer
(That's good, that Beau feels that way. It's good how her saying that makes Yasha feel too, if she's allowed to be selfish for a moment and enjoy a small part of this conversation. Especially when Beau scoots closer, and drops her forehead onto her shoulder, solid and warm. Yasha's breath catches.)
... Of course.
(She goes through the motion of raising an arm twice before she finally commits to it, resting her palm lightly against Beau's back and rubbing slowly, in a little circle. She'll sit here forever if it means that Beau will find a tiny bit of peace through the places they're both touching.)
I COULD SAY THAT FOR YOU TOO ok wrapped now ikfdhlugsdi
Beau just responds with a grunt, and then decides to stop dealing with any of it, letting herself rest and be quiet. That, in itself, is enough.]